From “I Can’t” to “I Can Try”

I provided foster care for a little boy whose favorite phrase seemed to be, “I can’t.” Whether the obstacle or ask was big or small—his first response was almost always the same: “I can’t.”

At first, it sounded like he was just being obstinate. But as I got to know him better, I began to hear something different: uncertainty, fear, and a need for reassurance. “I can’t” was not the end of the conversation; it was his way of asking for support.

When someone says “I can’t,” they may not be stating a fact. They may be describing their current belief about what is possible. That belief can come from past disappointment, lack of confidence, comparison, fear of failure, or simply not knowing where to begin. You may have colleagues that demonstrate limiting beliefs in this way.

I find it’s important not to dismiss the feeling or force instant confidence. Pause before correcting or encouraging. Help the person move from a fixed conclusion to a more flexible possibility and growth mindset. Reframe to open possibilities for progress.

• What would make the first step feel smaller or safer?

• What have you tried before, and what did you learn from it?

• Who or what could support you as you try again?

• If you added the word “yet” to this thought, what changes?

I cared for the little boy again recently, and this time I never heard him say, “I can’t.” With the continued support and encouragement he was receiving, he had gained confidence and no longer hesitated to try new things. His way of thinking had transformed!